Does having a government job provide a sort of immunity to an individual where his or her faults are totally over-looked?
Why does one marry? There can be many answers to this simple question. Seeking companionship to fulfilling societal expectations; getting married is a complicated business anyway. People who marry for the right reasons often create a union which is a perfect blend of love and affection but what about those who marry with unclear intentions and unrealistic expectations? Do they try to endure a bad marriage throughout their lives or fling themselves into a marital disaster soon enough? Do young people seek marriages without fully understanding the realities that come with the sacred institute of marriage?
If we look around, most of the marriages seem like a bitter contact – dull, corrosive, scarring, eroding and meaningless. This is mainly because most people in our society start from the wrong point. If you are marrying for the following reasons, you are marrying for incorrect reasons:
One of the basic reasons for this sad state of affairs is that we cut and tailor marriages to suit our strange interests in selecting the bride/ bridegroom. Does having a government job provide a sort of immunity to an individual where his or her faults are totally over-looked? People think that having a government job is enough for the marriage to work. The truth is that having a ‘sarkari naukri’ meets a very specific functional need which sometimes is not sufficient. Other suitable qualities like compassion, honesty, truthfulness, respect etc. are needed to prevent the marriage from turning into a domestic tragedy.
Marriage is not designed as a mechanism for providing money, luxury or extravagance. Dowry and other monetary demands are as superficial as they are numerous. If you look at your would-be-life-partner as a panacea for all your financial ills then the very idea of getting married is utterly absurd. Greed often over burdens a marriage with expectations it cannot and is not supposed to fill. Unfortunately, our society seems very confused about what to seek and what not to seek when it comes to this lifelong commitment.
Young people often view marriage as an instrument for fulfilling romantic love, erotic experiences or enjoyment. The commitment of marriage goes far beyond the mere dazzling fairy tale where the boy and girl imagine candle light dinners, scented flowers and crimson sunsets. Not to forget the chance of a long drive little later. So, when these lover boys and girls are handed a long list of duties and responsibilities, they are often shocked and reluctant to oblige in totality. It’s indeed a painful paradox that people don’t understand and turn this beautiful commitment into shallow game of distrust, cynicism and ambivalence. It must be understood that the requirements of being husband and wife are extremely profound.
Many people succumb to the societal pressure of getting married wherein they are forced to cling to the outdated models and structures of past. Sentimental and irrational pleas are made to people to tie the knot. However, the objective reality is that these housekeeping appeals won’t help marriages from failing unless people are ready to get married for the sake of being in a sacred relationship. Sometimes it’s not selfish to focus on oneself. Get married only when you think you need someone to complete your life and you are ready to welcome him or her into your life. If you are trying to strike a mindless balance between domestic expectations and wanting someone in your life, then please be alerted. You are entering a risky venture which will soon prove to be nothing more than a burden. As a society, let’s not consider those who do not want to marry as oddballs. Instead of being reckless partners, it’s better not to marry and end up destroying someone’s life.
For the heck of it
Those who marry without realizing what it means are soon fed up and swing away from responsibilities. This quite predictably produces friction between the couple. Marriage is not a recreation or some kind of emotional substitute. It’s a serious commitment. Youngsters seldom give it a thought when they decide to marry. Taking a self-domesticity test is a must before committing oneself.
Ask yourself this simple question: has marriage of ‘feeling’ been largely replaced by marriage for ‘need’. Has contracting a marriage become like making a business deal? And what becomes of such marriages in most of the cases – abuse, loneliness, infidelity and lots and lots of emotional scars.
After reading this piece, many youngsters will be tempted to ask – Why should one marry? In my opinion, marry only when you are honestly and sincerely drawn to each other, not by the reasons stated above but by an overwhelming and pure instinct. Reminds me of a line by Robert Kincaid (played by Clint Eastwood) in the famous movie The Bridges of the Madison County – “This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime”. Let this unshakable certainty be your only beacon.
To put it simply: Do not marry if you are unsure. We often confuse love with many other dynamic feelings. Being lonely to being protected by someone, we often start loving the person who spares us this fate. So, we marry to make this nice feeling and sensation permanent only to find that the belief fallen like a house of cards. Husband and wife often get disenchanted and find themselves in a trap. Some break free while others chose to simply suffer in the agony and pain of a romance gone sour. The end is quite predictable.
Therefore, before taking the plunge into this lifelong monogamous relationship, both parties must sincerely promise not spoil the sanctity of marriage and turn it into a bitter business for oneself and one’s family. Marry only for marriage sake!
Author is an Assistant Professor and Coordinator, Faculty of Management, North Campus, University of Kashmir